• by Sharon Amali
• September 10, 2022

If you were to look inside me, I’m not sure I’d be able to look you in the eye. Last Sunday, I stood there and spoke passionately about the ugly side of adultery. I spoke with such conviction my eyes welled up with tears. I wanted you to know how bad it is. I wouldn’t want anyone to be in that state. So I poured out my heart…with every word I uttered, I felt my heartbeat grow stronger. I am honest about all the things I spoke. I started out talking to you. Telling you how it can ruin a life. And then I realized that I need to hear that message myself – maybe even more than you need to hear it. I would just love to be free – to talk about my troubles freely, but am scared what you might think. I know you think am an angel.
I want to tell you about my secret obsession with pornography. I want to tell you about how I’ve been sneaking around reading horoscopes hoping that maybe what they are saying will come true in my life. I long to let someone know that am struggling with prayer, that I find it so tiresome and such a hassle - but you see I can’t tell you, so I put up a show and make the craziest noise during prayer just to pretend.

I have been asked to preach on a number of occasions and I have preached – at first I would feel rotten after the preaching but I have grown numb now. See, the things I preach against are the same things that I do. I know it is wrong, but when I do it, I make myself believe that it is not so bad. I convince myself that God knows my heart; that He knows that I love Him.
And I still meet up with my ex once in a while. He tells me he misses me and looks at me in a way that makes me feel very special. When I look at him, I also realize how much I have missed him and I have given into instinct. For a time, I hated myself whenever this happened but now I have grown used to it. It seems almost okay.

You see, I am usually counselling married people once a week at least. I sit in my office and listen to their troubles, and then am amazed at the wisdom that comes out of my lips.
I’d wish to pour out my heart to someone like they pour out theirs to me. Maybe then I would find the strength to change this secret life.  
But I don’t know who can be trusted. So I put up the act. 

...to be continued.